Starting from 60, I counted backwards under my breath, now on my twenty-sixth round of this exercise. Another jolt caused my fingers to dig further into my seat and close my eyes. This WOULD be the end, right here, I thought.
Funny thing is, no one would even realize I was on this flight. At least, not for a while. News headlines crossed across my eyes, words “horrific, crash, and Atlantic Ocean” all bolded in red. I pictured my parents getting the phone call, not really believing their only daughter was on the airplane. There would be no way. She hadn’t even mentioned a translantic journey to them at all, plus their daughter was terrified of flying. There was no way she on that plane.
Yet, here I am. Either going to die from a fiery plane crash or just a straight up panic attack . The plane dipped forward a little and I looked around the seats, trying to see if anyone else was planning their own obituary in their heads. Nope, everyone seemed to be sleeping soundly in their seats or reading under the soft glow of their overnight lights. I leaned back in my seat, closed my eyes and tried to convince myself to be like everyone else. Clearly, this wasn’t a big deal. But as I drifted into the darkness of my eyelids, another image came to mind. The last twelve hours of my life, and how I got myself on an 10 hour flight across the globe with no luggage, no carry-on and simply no idea what I was going to do next.
…
It honestly had the most ordinary Thursday. The only thing out of place maybe, was the weather. It was a balmy 75 degrees in March, very unlike a typical spring day in the Midwest. Which made me change my schedule the moment I woke up. I had planned to spend the day bundled up in my home office, a fresh pot of coffee to keep me awake for the amount of photo editing ahead of me. But the warm sun led me to a different idea, tempting me with its promise of vitamin D and color for my winterized skin. I hopped out of bed, quickly showered and dressed in comfortable clothes, once again feeling blessed for the flexibility of owning my photography business. I loved that my day could change in an instant, based upon moments of inspiration, a friend wanting to grab coffee or just needing to get some other errands done before putting myself behind the lens of a camera or laptop for the day. Today was a planned editing day, scoping out my best images from a recent photo shoot with a small company. Thankfully, this could be done from my own office or in the comfort of a small coffee shop. And with the sun acting the way it was, preferably a café with an outdoor seating area. A quick search on Yelp and I found myself a winner. It was a half hour drive, but the pictures of its inviting outdoor patio was well-worth it. Driving with the windows down, I flipped on a country station and donned my Ray Ban sunglasses.
I kept one hand on the steering wheel, the other dangling outside the window, already soaking in the sunshine. I couldn’t help but smile, happy to see that this dreadfully long winter was finally coming to an end. As I neared my destination, I could hear my phone ding in the passenger seat. I quickly clicked on the text at a stoplight, knowing I had a few moments to spare. “Morning Beautiful What are your plans for the day?” My smile grew as I put my phone back down and started driving again. I could always count on a morning text from my boyfriend to make me again appreciate this wonderful life I had; a booming photography business, the flexibility to plan my days as needed and a boyfriend from the past five years that always kept me smiling. And with a spring day like this, all was right in my world.
I turned up the music a little louder and started singing to my guaranteed summer song. I could already feel it. Excitement began to tingle in my fingertips and toes.. I often felt this sensation when I was onto something big. Whether an amazing photoshoot, finding inspiration from another photographer or even when planning the perfect date with an even more perfect boyfriend. It’s like my heart knew to send these signals out when I needed an awakening that I was onto to something good. Really good. And with the way I was feeling at this exact moment, I knew this season of my life was only the beginning of something greater.
I easily found the café, driving a couple of blocks down to find a parking spot. As I approached the entrance, I knew this was the perfect choice to feel inspired by my surroundings. The patio was set out front, covered under a blanket of ivy and rustic gondolas. A few small sparking chandeliers caught the light of the sun, sending a glow over the entire place. I shivered, the sun still warming up my skin and I anticipated the warm touch of a hot cup of coffee to cling to, before waking up my creative senses to start editing. I adjusted my backpack with my laptop and wrapped my denim jacket tighter, eager to warm up as the sun still continued to rise. As I got the front door, I couldn’t believe my eyes; my sweet boyfriend waiting for me inside, already seated at a window booth. I did a double take, not quite sure it was him at first. He was looking down at his phone in one hand, a latte cup in the other. Although his head was down, I could see the top of his sandy blonde hair and his little grin on his lips. He was wearing the plaid button-down I had gotten him for Christmas, highlighting his forest green eyes. I grinned mischievously, and started walking to the window, scheming to surprise him first. Who said he had to be the one full of surprises?
But as I walked closer, my feet froze. I saw him put his phone down and look up at the seat in front of him. The light from the sun caused a glare on the window, but I could spot a pair of freshly manicured hands reach out to him. He set aside his own cup and reached for said mystery hands. And, slowly, he leaned forward. Everything began to spin around me. I could hear the sounds of spring turn to silence, but I couldn’t look away. The world was moving in slow motion and I couldn’t remember the last time I took a breath. I could see the back of a beautifully curled blonde head appear from the seat across from him and she leaned forward too, her intent slow, purposeful. They met in a soul-crushing kiss and I could feel my heart actually stop. My blood turned ice-cold and my head start to feel very light. This wasn’t happening. Couldn’t be. I continued to stare and took a step forward, already convinced it wasn’t him. But as he turned to the motion outside the window, the look in his eyes belonged to no stranger. It was him. And he knew it was me. There was no denying it. We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, not sure of what to do next. He seemed to be going through the entire process, watching his world fall completely apart before his very eyes. You could see the struggle of his inward battle, whether to get up from his seat and run to me or stay as he was. Moments felt like days and he continued to sit. Glued to his seat. And that’s when I knew. This was how it was gonna end. In a world-crumbling moment of total betrayal. My knees started to buckle and I felt myself grasping for something to hold onto before my head would smack the hard pavement.
I took one step backward and then another. Steps turned into strides and then a full-on sprint back to my car. I threw my backpack in the trunk and quickly got into the drivers seat. I clutched the steering wheel in front of me, still feeling like I had just gotten off a winding roller coaster, with no brakes. I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths to steady my racing heart. I opened them back up and didn’t even bother looking behind me, before racing back onto the road, feeling more and more like I had just witnessed the death of my perfect life. Which, essentially, I just had.
My heart was still racing as fast as my car as I got onto the highway. My mind was drawing a blank and I honestly couldn’t recall what exit I had to take in order to get home. All I could think of was the amount of space I wanted to create between him and I. But no matter how fast I drove, the impending doom of the disaster I just faced, seemed to be close behind. My phone lit up in the passenger seat beside me, our faces smiling together from one of our first dates. I turned the ringer off and chucked the phone behind me into the trunk. I blasted the volume on the radio, hoping to drown out all of the thoughts rushing through my head.
As I adjusted the dial, I realized I missed my exit. But it didn’t matter. I just needed get far far away. Suddenly, a loud roaring came overhead, impeding over the loud music I already had playing. I looked up in time to see the underbelly of a 747, making a landing to the airport on my left. I felt the usual anxiousness whenever I saw a plane, my heart jumping into my throat. However, as nervous as I was about flying, I envisioned what it would be like to just take off and avert from this disaster that had just unfolded in the last 30 min. I looked again and could see the plane coasting to its terminal. My fingers tapped nervously on the steering wheel. No. There’s no way. I could feel my car slow down as I lifted off the brake, deep in though. Cars beeped angrily behind me, but I couldn’t have cared less. Hands shaking, I quickly leaned over and popped open the dashboard cubby. There it was, my passport from the tax meeting I had recently, and kept forgetting to bring back inside my house. I slammed the drawer shut and focused back on the road before me. The lanes began to divide into multiple exits for the airport terminals. No. I can’t. I don’t have anything packed. I haven’t planned for this. Surely an international adventure would take weeks of planning. As I shook my head no, I squeezed my eyes shut to rid of this awful idea. But as I did, all I could see were those hands. That kiss. His face. And then I swiftly veered into the terminal one lane.
